Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
