I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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