Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
