Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I am naked and annoyed.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
