took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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