chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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