Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
