Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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