If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
