Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
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