I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
