Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
