my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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