Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
