I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
