I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
we're making bets on your personal life
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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