I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
It's official drugs can't kill me
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
