She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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