You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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