ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
