Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
