Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my being single is dangerous.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
