He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Those nachos came to me in a dream
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
