She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
