this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Sext me about skeletons
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
