I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
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