Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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