my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
