im gay
i know
yea but for you.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
