The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
