Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
