: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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