My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
how drunk are you?
Several
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
