Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You can't just leave with hair like that
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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