i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
