Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
