god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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