You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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