I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
