I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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