just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
