The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
