I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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