Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
