so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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