: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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