Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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