$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
