i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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