he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
