I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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