your parents love me but you hate me
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
wat bout pragnant strippers??
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
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